moving on

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. As I get this house ready to be sold and try to get the new one suitable to live in, I wonder just how overwhelmed you must have felt at the thought of moving all of your things somewhere else. I know that you decided against moving in with either one of your kids because you were worried about becoming a burden but I know nothing could be further from the truth. I wonder if you would have been happy moving up to NC and to be around your family, if that would have made you stronger. I know that you being there would just be one more reason for us to move up that way. I guess I'm just wondering if there was more I could have done to support your efforts for getting up there. I know I had a lot going on already with the boys, but if I knew there was anything I could have done to help you, I would have found a way. I think it finally hit me yesterday just how little family we have here anymore, that we talk to regularly anyways. It makes me sad to think how close we all were before Grandma and Papa passed away. There was so much fighting and finger pointing that happened that should have been hugs and shared tears. I hate that we all lost so many years that we could have spent together building memories, having our kids grow up together, just having a support system. I'm just missing you guys is all.

It's been a year, what I feel right now is so much different than last year. So many things have happened for me to get here. I hope you don't mind how much I still try to talk to you. I still hate that I can't come over and tell you over a pot of coffee but I'll always remember when I could. I know you are better now, no more pain or fear. I miss you and look forward to seeing you again one day. Give Grandma, Papa and Uncle Howard a big hug for me.

chest of drawers

A long time ago, I mentioned to you that I really liked the pair of stacked chest of drawers you had and if you ever wanted to sell them, I would buy them from you. After you passed away, I mentioned that to my mom, who in return told Sandi and I know own one. When I picked it up, they told me one of the drawers was broken and after looking at it, it was just the slide for the drawer that had become detached, a simple repair. We put the piece in one of the drawers so it wouldn't get lost (INSERT FORESHADOWING HERE) and stacked them in the back of my car. We forgot about the loose piece and put some of the drawers in upside down so they wouldn't scratch each other and I never could find the piece after I unloaded and reassembled it in my dining room.

I had intentions of buying a piece of wood and cutting it down to repair it. A month or two ago, I even went to Home Depot and was able to buy a scrap that they cut to length for me for $0.50. It's been sitting in the garage ever since because I realized I needed a table saw to cut it down. After putting the boys down for a nap this afternoon, I was organizing the recycle bins and saw the pieces lying there. I decided to get a quick bite to eat and start working on it.

I pre-cut the sides that needed to be chiseled out with a utility knife, then tried to tap them out with a hammer and flat-head screw driver. After getting the majority out, I used my linoleum chisels to get them down to size and even brought out the electric sander to smooth it all out. I put the piece in, made sure it worked with the drawer and started to reassemble the other side but after I put in the magazines that had originally been there, the drawer wouldn't shut. I opened it up and lo-and-behold, the original piece that was missing (THAT I JUST MADE A REPLACEMENT FOR) fell out from where it was wedged all this time. I wanted to scream and cry after all the hard work I did for the better part of the past two hours, but all I could do was laugh because I knew you would be laughing your butt off at me. I also knew you would be proud of me for figuring it out and doing the work.

I took out the handmade piece, reattached the original, and the entire set is complete and functional now. At least I can say I know how to do it if I ever need to in the future. The handmade piece is now in the compost pile.

been thinking

Every time a holiday or birthday comes around, I always think of you. One of the first things I always thought about was making sure someone invited you to come celebrate with us. You always seemed to enjoy just hanging around with us, keeping the kids entertained. I wish you could see how big and amazing the boys have gotten. I can hear your laugh now at all of Eden's babble stories and how tenderhearted Isaac is. I know they would have loved to spend time with you too.

as time goes on

Hard to believe it's been almost 3 months since you've left us. I'd like to say it's getting easier but it hasn't yet. Going to your house the other day was harder than I realized. I can only imagine what it's like for the others. I wish there was more of a resolved feeling I get when I think of your passing but there's so many emotions that surrounded that timeframe. I guess that's why I'm still having a hard time with it. I know I will have to confront them sooner than later. I guess I'm just afraid to still. I miss having you around to talk to about that kind of stuff. Thank you again for being that shoulder when I needed it. I miss you.

I was just sitting on the couch writting recipe cards with the tv playing in the background. A commercial came on and the woman referred to herself as "Nanna" and I immediately thought of you. I'm sad that you aren't here to see how big the boys have gotten. Their both walking around now and I know you would enjoy watching them wobble around and even attempt to run. I know you are in a batter place and you're not hurting anymore, but I still miss you very much. It doesn't seem like it was 2 months ago. I still feel bad when I think how everything happened and wish that there was something I could have done for you, but I understand that is how it had to happen. I miss you.

Mama, I am really missing you tonight, I keep thinking it will get easier but it hasn't happened yet. I've picked up the phone to call you so many times...who am I going to call when I need to know what to substitute for oil or eggs or milk??? You were my Betty Crocker! You were my inspiration, my comforter, my encourager, my cheerleader, my best friend. You cared so much about other people, even in the hospital, you were worried about me and Jimmy not sleeping or if we had eaten anything. You would be so proud of Jimmy, he took such good care of you. I miss talking to you everyday...even if it was just about the weather. You were such a great Mother and words can't express how much I miss you and love you. I am what I am because of you! I only hope that you are as proud of us as we are of you. I love you!